written by lucinda e. clarke
Dear JA, I happened to be passing her laptop when I saw your email and I have to admit I feel extremely hurt. Why oh, why did you ask her to write something when I have a much better story to tell?
There is no comparison to her boring life when mine has been so exciting, well some might think that, but to be honest, she’s put me through so much hell, I’d leave her if I could.
I was quite happy living near London close to my family and friends, but then she packed me off to Africa with my new husband, just when I’d planned out the rest of my life. OK, so I settled down and it wasn’t too bad, except she had me out with a video camera recording all kinds of daft things including – wait for it – a massacre which was indescribably awful. Then, she creates a civil war and I’m right there in the middle of it. Everyone else had been flown out to safety and I get thrown in jail. I simply can’t describe how ghastly that was. So, I get free and then have to make a run for it. Yes, she sends me out into the bush with a few bottles of water and minimal food how cruel is that?
Was she finished? Not a bit of it. Not content with that in book 2 she has me searching for my foster child who just happens to have been captured by a radicalized terrorist group.
She has a nasty habit of killing off all the people I love, and blows up my house and I lose everything, and I mean everything, even my name and my identity. (You do know Lucinda E Clarke isn’t her real name, don’t you? Well she changes mine as well and didn’t even consult me).
The brutality continues as I’m dragged off to intercept arms smugglers and end up perched on the edge of a tank full of sharks with the biggest teeth you have ever seen.
And that reminds me. The humans I meet are dangerous enough, but let’s not forget my close encounters with lions, crocodiles, hippos, snakes and practically everything that’s dangerous on the African continent.
And where is this paragon of virtue all this time you ask? Sitting comfortably at her dining room table tapping on her laptop without a care in the world. She pauses every now and again to hatch up another dangerous plot, kill off another friend I’ve made – she has such a nasty habit of doing that – and then waddles off to replenish her coffee (she makes two mugs at a time) and grab a chocolate bar from the fridge. Apparently, this is the diet that helps her brainstorm yet more appalling scenarios. And what am I doing? I’m slogging through the bush, with the sweat pouring down my face stinging my eyes, my shirt sticking to me, every muscle is aching and my tongue is swelling in my mouth because I’ve not had a drop of water all day.
I’ve tried to talk to her, I really have, but her only response is that people don’t want to read about boring day to day lives when nothing exciting ever happens. She throws words around like ‘cliff-hanger’, ‘nail-biting’, ‘on the edge of your seat stuff’, but between you and me, I think she’s the boring one and it would be a total waste of time to let her loose on your blog.
So, as soon as I’ve finished this, with all respect, I’m going to delete your invite, she won’t notice right now as she’s won yet another award (yes, for torturing me) and she’s busy on her iPad tweeting it to the world.
If you hear of any organization which will fight for the rights of the downtrodden, helpless heroes and heroines caught in the dark recesses of the writers’ mind, I would love to join. I’m familiar with human rights but what about character rights? No one ever considers us.
When it comes to me talking about me and my books I’m a disaster! Do I mention being abandoned in the African bush with a 9 week-old baby? That I’ve lived in 8 countries, in a mansion, a one bed flat and on a boat? Meeting kings, presidents, international artists and peasants? Earning my living by writing after I got fired from my teaching post? Or what about that live radio broadcast with a bayonet digging into my neck?
I ran the very Worst Riding School in the world, and presented on radio and had my own video production company, with dozens of tales about some of the famous people I’ve met including Mandela. The problem is there is so much it took 3 books to put it all down on paper and that’s only the bits I remember.
Officially, I’m retired now. Not a chance, I’m only pretending while working 24/7 writing books, 8 to date, and wrestling with the marketing world. Once I make the first million or five I’ll be off sailing round the world scribbling on my mega yacht, but that’s never going to happen.
Lucinda E. Clarke
You can meet up with Lucinda here:
Web page – http://lucindaeclarkeauthor.com
Blog link http://lucindaeclarke.wordpress.com
twitter name https://twitter.com/LucindaEClarke
I have a free novella myBook.to/WRS
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